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1988  St. Albans 12 – 9 Maesteg Quins

With no coal black and blood red action for quite a while lets go back down memory lane. Thirty years infact and three decades ago today, Quins travelled to Tremorfa, Cardiff to take on St. Albans on the eve of another martyred saint’s day - St. Valentine’s, but there was no love lost on the field or off it.

This match against the ‘Buns’ was a violent, turgid affair, which was no more than a stop / start encounter in which a rugby game occasionally broke out in between bouts of vicious pugilism. Consequently, three Andrew James penalties to four by the home outside half were all both sides could muster.

However, off the field a mini riot took place in the Quins changing room, even before the game had started!

Geraint Jones had something of a major training session in readiness for the club’s imminent trip to Eire and revisit the wonders of Wexford. His previous night's stint on the Guinness caused problems. The signs of vigorous imbibing were evident not just on his stale breath, bloodshot eyes, constant retching on the way to Cardiff and his general dishevelled look, but also the gaseous leaks that emanated from his insides.

Taking a futile trip i'r ty bach, Geraint quickly began to realise his attempts to waddle like a penguin to a ceramic Shangrila was little more than a pathetic charade. An effort to release a slight degree of flatulence from his taut bowels resulted in something far more substantial returning to the light of day, in what was fundamentally an anal dam burst. A thick, black, viscous oil slick, suddenly appeared in Grunt's undergarments.

A distinctive sign of a night on the ‘black stuff’ now plastered the scrum-half’s pants and a significant part of his right leg. If black is indeed truly beautiful, then ‘Grunt’ created a Guinness inspired, sphincter designed masterpiece in his smalls.

Carrying his putrid pants back into the changing room, he vigorously swung them around his head. Luckily centrifugal force kept the slurry safely housed in the crotch of his pants, before Grunt released them to the mercy of trajectory and fair fortune.

Through the air his pilotless pants flew. Soaring to the ceiling and across the changing room, before finding landfall on an unsuspecting Phillip 'Moss' Evans' head. 

Rendered sightless by ‘Grunt’s’ pants that had covered his eyes; much to the mirth of his team-mates, it took a considerable time for the monumental ‘Moss’ to extricate himself from his impromptu blindfold, not so much a result of Moss' sloth like speed, but more so to the surprisingly adhesive qualities of Geraint's glue-like, Guinness infused excremant.

Groping around Godzilla-like for the miniscule scrum-half, Phil swatted, swung his arms and grabbed at thin air in a literal blind rage.

Remarkably Phillip cornered and caught Grunt. However long it took to remove the pants from Moss' cranium, it took most of the team infinitely longer to extricate Geraint’s throat from ‘blindfolded’ ‘Moss’ vice grip.

All’s well that ends well. Ever since the unsanitary scene at St. Alban’s, folklore has it that a tiny tuft of hair has sprouted on the exact spot where the pants were stuck the longest. But that, as they say, is another story.

15. Mike Kehoe 14. John Tidball 13. Mark Smith 12. Ian Hopkins 11. Mark Page

10. Andrew James (3PG) 9. Geraint Jones

1. Andrew Kidger 2. David Jenkins 3. Dai Berry 4. Gary Dawkins (c) 5. Lester Jones

6. Steve Thomas 8. Clive Thomas 7. Peter Jenkins

Replacement

16. Roger Maddocks for M. Page